june '21: collection

[grainfall]

 my summer break is over! i have returned bearing all the media i consumed this month (admittedly not a lot because i had a ton of work but it's the thought that counts.) including but not limited to: a lovely interview that made me reconsider the way i approach writing, a cleverly constructed interactive fiction game, several fics, and lots of rambling. let's get into it

 

 

"Ironically, it wasn’t until I stopped thinking of myself solely as a writer that I managed to develop a healthier relationship to writing."

"As a multilingual person in diaspora, writing in English also means being aware of its failures: one of my favourite words in Bahasa Melayu, “sayang,” is a noun, verb, and phrase depending on context. Translated, I could say that its english equivalent is “darling,” “beloved,” but carries none of the emotional gravitas built into a word that also means, “[it’s] a pity.” Thus writing in english is a constant act of approximation for someone who has lived in more than one language; my writing in this language is never complete."

"It became quite apparent I had completely internalized the capitalist belief that I was only worthy if I could produce something I was good at. I had not considered that I didn’t have to earn my place in the world, or my right to create art."

"What are the narratives we tell ourselves to stay alive a little longer? What does the truth matter if you want to live? Where does the account begin and who’s telling it?

— This Language Is Never Complete (ft. Natalie Wee)

this is an interview teh people studio did with one of my favourite poets, natalie wee. i discovered this interview a few days ago when i went trawling for interviews that had been done with poets and a lot of it hit home—i've quoted some of my favourite bits from the interview above. i think it's well worth a read for any fic writer, especially the parts about being worthy only if you create something that's Good. re: the first and third excerpts i quoted: i grew up (and am still growing up) in 1) a fan-centric internet space where it's very easy to believe that your value is inherently tied to the things you create 2) a society that reinforces the belief that you are what you achieve and your hobbies have to be something that you can either profit off of or win awards for. neither of those environments are particularly good for cultivating a healthy relationship with writing and it really got to me early this year. learning to define myself outside of writing has been something i've been struggling to figure out recently, but i think it's going to be very good for me in the long run.

on a lighter note: the second excerpt quoted is something that perfectly put into words something i've been feeling for a very long time! this is exactly how i feel about chinese and i've become more aware of it after writing my 8jun fic....it's so odd to say but it's why i feel so 冤枉 (i don't quite have an english word to describe this the closest is like "wronged"?) about translations of chinaline weibo lives/interactions/chinese songs (i'm looking at you silent boarding gate). so much of it loses its gravitas to me in english—as if because it's in chinese it carries this extra layer of emotional connection that hits so close to home. especially for chinese songs! god the lyrics of sbg are just. so so gorgeous in a way that is so hard to explain if you look at the translated version....and the chinese lyrics of side by side are so cute and unexpectedly, sincerely earnest. god

anyway please give the article a read. i've always believed journalism is such a beautiful form of creative writing. you can order natalie wee's book here when it drops in august!

When love comes to me, it is a surprise and like a flower. Like something improbably beautiful I have no use for. The flower is planted and turns into a garden. I am afraid that I will kill it. Rain falls, and everything grows. Then we are standing together in the middle of unspeakable perfection, and my mouth is thick with honey. 

Sometimes I believe I am writing this from the other side of the garden. Surrounded by hedges and soft grass and the magnolias about to bloom. Then I realize how needy I am, how wild. My wanting seems like its own animal, and I am already an animal. There is — still — the burning. I have learned that it isn’t about extinguishing but controlling the flame. 

— Abject Permanence, Larissa Pham

i read this very very recently (this afternoon after my third language lesson in fact) and haven't had the time to sit down and properly process it yet but i really wanted to include it in here so i'm doing it. the whole article is beautifully written and well worth a read.

God must be a season, Grandma said, looking out at the blizzard drowning her garden. / My footsteps on the sidewalks were the smallest flights. / Dear God, if you are a season, let it be the one I passed through to get here.

Here. That's all I wanted to be.

I promise.

— Notebook Fragments, Ocean Vuong

i picked up a hardcopy of Night Sky with Exit Wounds (ocean vuong's poetry collection) over the break and spent an afternoon sitting on the balcony reading it in silence. of course the poems that he's well known for (on earth we're briefly gorgeous, aubade with burning city etc.) are lovely, but reading the book slowly in introspective silence i was struck by how every single poem is so skilfully crafted. he has such a way with words....i own very few hardcopy poetry collections but i treasure each one of them so dearly. this one is no exception.

STAY?

CHOOSE YOUR OWN HAPPY ENDING

Welcome to Elaia, a magical city nestled in a high valley. It's the end of your first year at university & time to choose your major.

Find yourself among potential friends or lovers-- young people with secrets, dreams, fears, and tragedies. Learn about the history & breadth of Elaia's world, and decide what kind of mark you want to leave on it.

— Stay? by ejadelomax

this next recommendation is a little unique but bear with me! it's an interactive fiction story by an indie creator where you get to sort of choose your own adventure, and every decision between options affects the entire course of the story. it's adventure/fantasy, beautifully diverse, and only gets better the more you play it (i don't want to spoil anything because part of the joy of this game is uncovering everything as you go along). please please give it a shot!!! i've always loved interactive fiction and this is a prime example of why :')

 

So Junhui gets back up and starts again in earnest. The room, the lights, the furniture, the people blur together into a streak of color. Outside of the windows the bay and what is across it become an abstract shape. An idea, a concept, and Junhui isn’t really inside of it, he’s somewhere distant, somewhere nowhere, somewhere moving. When he stops, that is when the world will become real again.

— dancing days by sunburst

Minghao looks between them with curious eyes. He does it constantly—this carefully measured stare. Jeonghan used to call him little owl because of how often he would sit quietly amongst them, hands folded and mouth tipped into a smile, saving his words until they were polished enough to shine. It used to intimidate Mingyu, until he learned that Minghao was only human like the rest of them and that his silence was his shield, just as Mingyu’s boisterous behaviour was his.

— sinking/synching by radicchio

“You don’t get to be this bitter at me,” Jeonghan tells him, tense around the mouth, “You left first.” He gets up and crosses the room, leaving Seungcheol to sit alone in the aftermath of his words. He always has been good at that; clever enough to devastate, nimble enough to dodge the impact. He had already lived in Tokyo for three months before Seungcheol got the news.

Seungcheol watches his rigid shoulders for a moment, then turns around to face the mirror. It startles him how grown the person looking back is. For a moment, he had felt twenty-two.

— to hold it against your bones by Ester

Years, and he still feels like he’s going to shake out of his own skin if he thinks about it too hard. The things Mingyu read in that notebook, the things Jihoon has given away tonight, it’s all stuff in the box Jihoon has tried so fucking hard to keep a lid on, and the thought of it pouring out now makes him feel like a rotten piece of fruit, awful to the very core, skin about to split. Any day now, he thinks, and feels a hysterical laugh try to bubble out of his throat. It’s past two in the morning now, surely. Soonyoung will be waiting up, or at least blowing up his phone before going to sleep. And Jihoon will answer him as he always does, soaking up the love like it means the same thing to Soonyoung as it always has to him.

“Yeah,” he says again, uselessly, to Mingyu, gesturing back toward his studio with a vague hand. “Go. I’ll be fine. I just have to finish this song.”

— the mechanics of writing a love song by poppyseedheart

my summer break (june) has been tough i'm not going to lie! started off strong by being a facilitator for a lovely week-long programme camp for creative writing and experienced such a strong sense of community (the only downside being that it was so high-commitment i was essentially out of commission for a week. the second week of june i went into a fugue state and wrote 7k+ in 5-6 days and published it the second i was done (my beloved) now i am Not someone who writes so intensely on a regular basis so it was a new and rather draining experience i felt like i had taken a straight shot of crack direct to the veins. i spent the third week with my family, but the fourth week i fell into a brief depressive mood where i really wasn't aware of time passing, only that i didn't feel motivated to do anything—even writing. it was a little terrifying because at the time i'd been writing so steadily and then the mood hit me like a truck and i just couldn't do anything anymore. it felt a bit like i was scrambling for anything to hold on to. the resumption of the very rigorous academic term forced me to pull myself together by a Thread, but the writing spirit still feels like a skittish animal: i'm trying not to scare it away by not forcing myself to write like i used to. ahhhh. there's a whole bunch of deadlines coming up that i hope will kickstart my brain into action. it's just a shame i couldn't end my summer break on a high note T__T still, i'm happy i managed to at least get the 8jun fic out into the world; it's a very personal thing i've always wanted to write.

other misc media....hm. haven't been consciously listening to a lot of new music it usually just plays in the background while i study or do other chores (so humiliating but heaven's cloud and gam3 bo1 are literally my spotify "top 2 tracks this month") special shoutouts go to anti-romantic by txt, look after you by the fray, and somewhere warm by the runaway club. every single weverse magazine individual member interview has been absolutely GUTTING—i plan to do another post with bits from each member that i really liked. they want me dead. oh and of course this jun cover, which made me tear up a little the first time i listened to it while reading the lyrics. 

it's getting late and i'm getting sleepy, so i'll leave you all with this quote from the natalie wee interview i talked about earlier: "Writing is only one form of existing. We can always live in the world while trying to invent kinder ones."

happy july :')